An expert’s guide to the art of procrastination

Daniel Malgren

Reporter

Procrastination: It defines the very nature of our human souls; we walk in a perplexed state-of-mind in which we are either too sick, too lazy, too bored, too tired or too whatever-excuse-comes-to-mind to accomplish the given task.

This practice is not only exercised in education but in every aspect of our lives. Procrastination is by no means wrong; this story is written with the pure essence of procrastination embedded within every word.

One must be aware, however, that there is a specific method to the art of successful procrastination. If it’s carried out in an incorrect manner, then you will indefinitely fail.

Depending on one’s writing ability, English can be one the easiest classes to procrastinate in. If you can sit down and summon forth an essay of decent quality within minutes of its initial due date, then you may have this class in the bag.

The first course of action, when taking any English course is to take the least amount of time on the first essay. Kick back and write a few lines here and there, sort of just wing it.

This will give you a quality understanding of the teachers’ expectations for future assignments. If you receive a less than desirable grade on this essay, then procrastination is not for you.

In the event, however, that your test score is flourishing with smiles, phrases of praise and 4.0s everywhere, then by all means, slack off as much as you desire.

Art, like English, is a class in which your level of procrastination is dependent upon your skill. If the teacher asks you to draw him a face; draw him a lemon a minute before the assignment is due.

Present this piece of art to your teacher, if he then accepts the lemon and frames it up on his wall amidst the collage of beautiful faces drawn by other artists; then you know from this point on you may draw lemons for all your assignments and receive full marks.

However, if your instructor scorns you and is enraged by your lack of thought put into the assignment, I would advise learning to actually draw a face.

Chemistry is the most exciting when it comes to the art of procrastination and, in no time, you shall become the true master of the how to succeed with the least amount of effort imaginable.

When the course is rearing up and you must study the endless calculations for your first lab assignment, study nothing for the first assignment, there is no need.

When the day of your first lab arrives make sure to have full access to chlorine with ammonia. When you start the lab, take these two chemicals, and mix them together.

This will produce a gas that will have a unique effect on you and your fellow students. Here is the part however, where one must pay attention.

If the professor stares at you in awe and praises your pure ingenuity, then pretty much assume that you will be endowed with a 4.0 for the rest of the class.

If, however, the professor calls 911 for immediate medical attention, you will be banned from the college indefinitely.

History is where one has the chance to make the founding fathers proud of your vast knowledge by never once picking up your textbook, or even coming to class.

Simply go to your local store and buy an American flag; walk into your lecture room the last day of class and stand boldly in front of your professor, hold your chin up high and let your eyes burn with a fierce fire.

Speak with proud exuberance, “This flag was presented by Abraham Washington, our planet’s first African-American king!”

If executed correctly, one could easily leave with the highest respect from ones peers and professor for the original contribution to modern education.

Biology is a tricky subject to procrastinate with due to the fact that whether or not you are in class, or out of class, you will be sleeping so it is hard to truly acknowledge whether or not you are procrastinating.

The truth of the matter is that most of you will never make use of biology in your life time. You will never see a fish and ask, ‘Where did this evolve from?’ No, you will say, ‘dinner’ and never take into account that you are proving Charles Darwin’s theory of natural selection.

Which leads me to my conclusion, all you must know about biology is Charles Darwin. You need not fret over falling asleep in class as all you need to know is that he is everything in biology.

When your teacher asks, “What caused the Big Bang?” Simply say “Charles Darwin,” or when your teacher asks, “Please spell out the correct equation for photosynthesis,” simply say, “C-h-a-r-l-e-s D-a-r-w-i-n.” Your professor will be so impressed.

Math by far is one of the easiest classes to procrastinate in especially when you are entering into algebra and beyond where you must solve for X and other random letters that just should not exist in math.

The silly people of this day and age are trying to convince us all that this concept of X means more than a simple letter of the alphabet. Now you know that X means X and your teachers know that X means X, what must you do?

Tell your teacher that X equals X, do not study the processes, and do not worry your mind with useless things that you will wish to have learned years from now.

Simply tell your professor that X equals X and she will be grateful she doesn’t need to grade your paper as you clearly know everything.

At the end of the day, if you have tried all of these methods and received no results, my best advice would to just drop out and spare the world your ignorance.

A 2007 meta-analysis by the University of Calgary psychologist, Piers Steel, reported anywhere from 80 to 90 percent of all college students procrastinate. Education should not be an aspect we neglect out of boredom but an adventure we explore.

The Puyallup Post is the award-winning student news of Pierce College Puyallup in Puyallup, Washington. Copyright The Puyallup Post 2017. Twitter/Instagram @puyalluppost

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An expert’s guide to the art of procrastination

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