Apocalypse now

Daniel Malgren
Editor-In-Chief

As the screen flickers on upstairs, parents turn their focus to “The Walking Dead.” Their teenage daughter dreamily watches Warm Bodies, waiting for her boyfriend to stop being a zombie.  The guttural cry of a child is heard clutching his chest in an act of monster play with his friend at a sleep over.    All of them are clueless; they do not realize the horrors that await their family and those around.  Their American fantasy is about to become an American horror story.  Those in distant countries feel the change in their air, the lack of birds in the sky and the haunting whispers in the night.  The apocalypse is coming.                                                                                                                                            

Naturally, this is the point in the story where you give a giggle and say, “Nice diction writer. Very engaging.”  Don’t be so rash in drawing your assumptions about life as we know it or your mocking laughter may soon be greeted by a petrified scream as a zombie lunges to feast upon your heart.  It will not be long before you sell the skin of your friends for a loaf of bread for your stomach.  The real question that now must be asked is, where will it strike first and how can I prepare?     

Fortunately for you, I happen to be the leading scientist in the epidemic that is sweeping across the globe.  You might ask, what epidemic? Children, listen well: the media would never tell you these things for fear of a worldwide panic.  Chaos would erupt across the nation and we would destroy ourselves before the first zombies ever showed their faces.

I will not bore you with facts about the world at large, but rather indulge you with facts about what you can do to survive in Washington State.

The first issue that must be addressed is where the zombie outbreak will potentially start.  The matter is quite simple; nuclear reactors.  Nuclear reactors play a pivotal role in the gathering of resources as they contribute to the economy primarily through the generation of electricity. There are more than 400 nuclear power reactors station around the world, some of which, in Washington. The Hanford site in Benton County encompasses an area of 586 square miles.  The land is uninhabited and closed to human access.  During the Cold War, the Hanford site produced nuclear material for the construction of bombs; however, the reactors were decommission at the end of the war.

 A decade of manufacturing nuclear material left more than 50 million U.S. gallons of high-level radioactive waste, and 200 square miles of contaminated groundwater beneath the site.  Hanford is the most contaminated nuclear site in the United States with much of the activity around the site now being solely used for cleanup.            

It is here that the zombie outbreak will begin. Science and all its technology cannot repel the toxins that lie within the ground, water and air surrounding the Hanford site.  Clean up crews who go to work each carry the virus home with them unwittingly spreading it to their families and friends, and while there is no guaranteed time when the virus could show symptoms, it shall not be long.

Cities such as Kennewick, Yakima, Spokane and Richland should be under the highest threat watch as they are the closest cities to the Hanford site.  Those of you who may have been planning vacations that involved those cities would do well to avoid going anywhere within 50 miles of their location.  For those of you who may have friends or family in those cities, I am sorry. It’s too late for them.                

As of now, your survival is the upmost important factor.  Action must be taken if you intend to survive the horrors that await those who are unprepared.  Friends no longer matter. Family is irrelevant. All of them are just one more foot for you to trip to ensure your survival.                                                                  

The tools you will need to stay alive are rather cliché if you are one who is frequently associated with zombie lore.  Food, weapons and shelter.  How you will obtain these items, however, is an entirely different matter unto its own.                                                                                                                                               

Some people eat to live, while here in America we prefer “live to eat” as our motto.  This thought process will change dramatically in the coming year when food becomes scarce. Your best chance for survival is Costco.                                                                                                                                              

Costco is essential to any survivalist as all of their products come in bulk, and at the same time, you can get free samples while you rob the store.  Yes, I said rob the store.  Money has no value anymore, humanity is ending and it will require desperate measures to survive.  The weak shall be left behind, only the hard nosed turds have any chance of a brighter tomorrow.                                                       

 Those with large trucks have the greatest potential as they can store more food; however, you can do just as well by picking up an Uhaul (with no intention of returning, or paying) and loading it up with food for your journey.  Nonperishable foods are your best option as they will last longer than items that require a freezer or fridge.  It is true that your food will probably taste like absolute garbage, welcome to the apocalypse.                                                                                                                        

Weapons are something people really get hyped up about when they hear of the apocalypse.  Will it be guns, crossbows, flamethrowers, human bait (which should definitely be on your list of must haves) sticks, stones or bombs?  The list is endless and completely unnecessary.  All you will require is an oar.  Yes Raiders, revel in my wisdom: the simple oar.                                                                                                    

For those of you who have been living in a box… an oar, by Webster’s definition, is a pole with a flat blade, pivoting in an oarlock, used to row or steer a boat through the water.                                           

The standard oar is usually constructed out of wood and stands about 12 feet in length.  With this oar, you can grab it in both arms and swing it in a wide circle like a mad man.  Any zombie that gets close enough will be oared to the face, while the blade has more than enough strength to flatten the head of any beast that may come your way, human or not.  The extended length of the oar allows you to smash a few heads without having to get within close proximity of any zombie.                                

The final task that stands in your way is finding a refuge to live out the rest of your days.  “The Walking Dead” promotes prisons, I Am Legend promotes locked down apartments and Michael Jackson promotes dancing, but which one is the most efficient?  None of them; those were simply created to add some drama to the story when in reality there is only one place you can go, the North Pole.           

 A frozen wasteland that is void of all human life? Yes, that is where smart people go.  Sure, you will need warm clothes and some skills with igloos, but there is plenty of wildlife to support your needs.  To get there, you will need either a boat or plane. To do this you will either need a disposable friend who can fly you there, or have the knowledge to fly yourself.  Sea-Tac Airport is by far the largest airport in Washington and will give you the most variety in choosing your plane.                                 

Once you arrive in the North Pole, it will be essential that you set up a base immediately.  Start by building a small shelter and then continue to expand upon it as time progresses.  The plus side to this is with the decline in human population, you will never have to worry about your home melting due to global warming.  Your fearful days will be over and you can rest your head to sleep if the cold will allow you that pleasure.

With this guide, you’re guaranteed to be the sole surviving human of the zombie apocalypse.  This advice is for a limited time offer and is selling fast.  Start panicking today and get ready for the biggest horror story this world has ever known.

The Puyallup Post is the award-winning student news of Pierce College Puyallup in Puyallup, Washington. Copyright The Puyallup Post 2017. Twitter/Instagram @puyalluppost

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Apocalypse now

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