Fightin’ Words: Should marriage be illegal

Shelly Beraza
Shelly Beraza

Pro

This is a question that most individuals are trying to convince their states to say no to.  I wholeheartedly agree. Why shouldn’t marriage be legal for everyone?

I have been happily married for the last six and a half years. Why should others not be  able to experience the joys and benefits of that special piece of paper? One can argue  that marriage is overrated and the 50 percent or so of people who are married get a  divorce goes to show it wasn’t worth it for them, but what if they didn’t marry the right  one?

Marriage is a complicated emotional contract that is both good and bad. A married  couple gets to have certain benefits, both financially and otherwise.

According to Lambda Legal Defense, a married couple has more than 1,400 legal rights conferred upon them in the United States like the following examples below.

Married couples make higher incomes, since they normally hold joint accounts. Social Security benefits increase, credit protection, medical decisions and hospital visits can be made by the spouse for each other, tax breaks and inheritance benefits, spousal privilege in court proceedings (although I guess that can be good or bad depending on how you look at it) and of course a lifelong soul mate.

I came into marriage believing that I found my soul mate and hope that that is the main reason people get married. While some taint the sanctity of marriage by using it to only reap the rewards of higher pay, specifically in the military to get spousal benefits, I believe that most hold it to a higher regard.

I don’t think that society has really looked at marriage in general differently, at least not by the numbers. In 1991, 45,960 people got married in Washington state, while in 2013, 49,590 people got married. The numbers haven’t varied that much in those 12 years, and I don’t see them wavering anytime soon.

Let’s keep marriage as legal as drinking water. Everyone is allowed to drink it, let everyone be allowed to get married and kick the illegal thought out the door.

 

Daniel Malgren
Daniel Malgren

Against

Love=Marriage=Sex=Babies=Overpopulation=Lack of resources=Death

Marriage=Sex=Babies=Overpopulation=Death

Marriage=Babies=Death

Marriage=Death

 

Let it be known I have nothing against sex, and while I am not accustomed to the  sensation, I have heard that it can be quite stimulating.

Marriage and sex generally go hand in hand, and while in todays society couples tend  to have sexual relations outside of marriage, there’s one thing that married couples tend to do more of than non married couples…babies.

Babies are tiny, resource consuming parasites that feed off the female host until they emerge like the monsters in Ridley Scotts’ Alien, wreaking havoc on society and generally enacting the role of a trauma-inducing nuisance.

Unfortunately, in today’s society, these beasts roam free in the world because couples think to themselves that, “oh, it would be super cute to have a parasite grow inside my stomach and just explode out with shrieks while its little hands consume our pocket books.”

The natural cure to this epidemic would be to ban marriage entirely.  No more marriage equals no more over population and no more death, theoretically speaking. True, we couldn’t keep all babies from being born as there are always rebels, but we have ways of dealing with rebels in today’s society.

There are fools who would protest this point. Marriage is good for bla bla bla bla.  Yeah, yeah, yeah we get it; you like to have benefits, having someone else help pay for your loans and all that mooching crap, but really? Do we need marriage? NO!

Statistically speaking, 40-50 percent of all marriages end in divorce, so why burden lawyers, families and our bloody world by adding further data to this high percentage?

If you want to mooch, then by all means suck the life out of your friends. Just don’t get married, then get bored of your partner and pay extra money to leave them.  Why, that’s simply impractical. It would be far simpler just to have a friend you can steal off of and have them help pay your bills.  Once you get bored, find another partner to mooch off of. This is hardly a topic that needs to be debated.

One condition though; for the time being, sex has to go bye bye.

Scientifically speaking, the reason we should even be pursuing the idea of a sexual relationship of any kind is to populate the earth. Last I checked, the only thing this world needs to populate is our pocket books.  According to the United Nation’s International Children’s Emergency Fund, there’s an average of 353,000 babies born each freaking day. That’s a beautiful estimate of about 4.3 births per second.

Yes, relish in the horror. By the time you have finished reading this sentence, about 2 1/2 babies have just been born.

I personally hold nothing against babies besides the fact that they’re parasites with an overall complexion that reminds me of an oozing slug. If we gave birth to kittens, this would be a much more agreeable topic.

Think about this, though. Do we need one of these monotonous beasts being born every 4.3 seconds?  The earth will soon collapse under its own weight unless people decided that sex is no longer an option in their daily lives, but that’s all married people seem to know how to do right, besides argue. Then, there are those blasphemous heathens that actually like having babies, heaven forbid.

Another reason why marriage is such a dirty concept and should never be practiced in today’s society is the unexplainable feeling known as attachment.

If you stick superglue on your finger and shove it up your nose, what is going to happen? It’s going to attach itself and not let go.

What happens to this attachment? It starts to feel uncomfortable. What happens when you try to break this attachment? It hurts.

And what finally happens when you break this attachment? You will be in pain and would have been better off not attaching in the first place.

The problem is so petty in comparison to the real issues abounding on our society and I don’t understand why more people don’t think that way rather than cause ruckus over their drama.  Marriage should be banned.

Our presidents never seem to make any of you happy; so one more drastic law won’t damage the faith none of you have.  Let’s pass him a bill, if he has any sense he will sign it and thus, end all of our problems in society.  No more divorce rates, no more selfish moochers, no more babies.  True, with this law in place there will be those who will try to break it, selfish rabble-rousers.

Thankfully, with every law comes punishment.

The Puyallup Post is the award-winning student news of Pierce College Puyallup in Puyallup, Washington. Copyright The Puyallup Post 2017. Twitter/Instagram @puyalluppost

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Fightin’ Words: Should marriage be illegal

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