“I went on a date with a girl I met online. The date went well at first. We went to a nice restaurant and had great conversation, but as the night went on she got drunker and drunker, far out of proportion to the amount of alcohol she had consumed. She got extremely drunk and I ended up having to take her home where her mother, who was babysitting her child, gave her a lecture on alcohol. Should I give her the chance for a second date?”
Besides the fact that she might have been drinking and possibly doing drugs during her bathroom breaks, which are the reddest red flags that have ever flown, first dates are unique situations. Nerves, expectations, pressure and alcohol can turn a potential second date worthy lady into an awkward, stumbling heap on the couch.
Maybe she’s on medication that reacted with the wine or she got a little too excited to be out on a date with a babysitter at home and forgot to pace herself. Or, maybe she is just a raging alcoholic. You’ve only had one brief night with the woman. You really aren’t capable of deciding what went wrong, especially since it was the first time you’d met her in person.
When dating, especially online, we can be quick to write people off for things you might not write your husband or wife off for, like the way they cross their legs at the table or how they tuck their shirt in. It makes sense; dates are when we weed out the ones that aren’t lifelong material and the concept of tolerating another person’s obnoxious flaws for a lifetime is terrifying. Just don’t forget the magic ingredient in dating – the benefit of the doubt – even if she does leave vomit on your loafers.
Take the nice lady on another date, preferably in the daytime without booze involved. If she’s drunk at the end of it again, thank her for her company, make a polite exit and hope you don’t run into her at Kroger.
“I’m in the process of getting a divorce, but it’s not final yet. I would really like to start dating again, not because I’m eager to rush into a long term relationship, but to just start living again and figuring out who I am outside of a relationship. It’s been ten years since I went on a date! Is it too early? Should I wait until I’m legally free? How should I approach the subject of my relationship if it comes up?”
Congratulations on your divorce, bachelor(ette)! Divorce is messy emotionally and legally and it’s important to keep the drama to a minimum, especially if there are children involved or if your soon to be ex-spouse is particularly malicious.
Dating other people, whether it’s casually or seriously, is a huge part of how a lot of people heal and is no reason to feel guilty. You should, however, proceed with caution. Some ex spouses will choose to use this against you in court, which drives up the expense of the entire production and in extremely unfortunate circumstances, can risk your rights to see your children.
That being said, only you can judge where your divorce is. If jumping back into dating seems appropriate (has your soon to be ex mentioned anything about how he/she is handling her dating life?) then go for it, but lean toward the side of caution.
Don’t risk your visitation rights with your children for dating during a temporary time of transition. In most cases people going through a divorce date without consequence but be aware of the potential risks.
As someone going through divorce, however, you are absolutely obligated to relay this information to your potential new boo thing. To not do so is misleading.
There are some things that are advantageous to wait to disclose until at least a few dates have passed, like your diaper fetish, because there are some things that scare people away unless they’ve first established a basic love and trust connection.
Being pulled into a divorce is a situation that a person deserves the right to make a decision to enter from the beginning. No one’s able to do that if you’re dishonest about your relationship status. Unfortunately for some, it will be a seemingly unjust disqualifying factor, but I’m sure you have your own list of unfair disqualifiers as well. We’re all picky in dating, as we should be.
Bottom line? As long as your soon to be ex isn’t particularly crazy, get yourself back out into the dating game. It has a way of restoring a sense of intimacy through an intense loss of an intimate relationship which can be a huge self-esteem boost. Just be sure to disclose early and don’t be butthurt when potential dates run in the opposite direction.
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