College student key to self improvement – in the home improvement store (Satire)

Lizzie DukeReporter

Lowe’s Home Improvement store, less than a mile from Pierce College Puyallup, is a student’s one-stop shop for all school and personal items. Whether it be study improvement items or mental comfort necessities, Lowe’s has it all.

Decorative rugs, which are comfortable for laying on while having a mental breakdown due to the stress from college, can be added to any bedroom, apartment or home for a beautiful touch.

Chalk paint can be used to solve math problems by applying it onto a wall, though these answers will eventually need to be copied onto paper to turn in for credit. Chalk walls can also be used for procrastination purposes in the form of art.

‘No parking’ stencils are available to ensure parking for students who can never seem to find a spot. ‘Reserved’ stencils are cheaper at $39 rather than $82, but may not be taken as seriously by other desperate students.

Twinkle lights are useful for a perfect study atmosphere by inducing enough light to see homework but not enough to brighten the horribly dim nights of a dedicated college student.

Batteries can be purchased to recharge tired brains and bodies, available in large packs or various other sizes.  

A ceiling fan can be used for cooling off after a student experiences sudden anxiety. Multiple fans may be added for additional comfort, but too many will blow away pieces of dignity someone may have left.

Dwarf fruit trees, which grow citrus indoors, are a simple addition to any room. Smelling citrus has been proven to improve human moods and the plants are small and easy to care for, according to

LENOX Hole Saws, which cost less than $10, make the same marks as a dog’s teeth. This is a possible solution for students who don’t have a dog to eat their homework. It can also work for students with well trained dogs who prefer food that could earn more than a B-.  

Dryers can be used to dry tear soaked clothing between receiving test scores. Light bulbs can be used to synthetically create ideas; they’re available in many shapes and sizes, often in packs of multiple bulbs.

For students already neck deep in tuition fees and past the point of caring, for $4,549 someone can get a generator with an automatic transfer switch which may work for generating test answers from the back of any mind, though this feature hasn’t yet been tested.

These are just some examples of the helpful items found at Lowe’s Home Improvement. For more information, visit

The Puyallup Post is the award-winning student news of Pierce College Puyallup in Puyallup, Washington. Copyright The Puyallup Post 2017. Twitter/Instagram @puyalluppost

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College student key to self improvement – in the home improvement store (Satire)

by Lizzie Duke time to read: 2 min