Stellar script: How to frighten undesired suitors

Sarah Svati, goddess of wisdom, translates the language of the stars into factual fun students can relate to.

How to Frighten Undesired Suitors

We have all experienced both sides of the unrequited see-saw of love and learned that neither side is a playground. Properly handling the situation integrally and directly can be difficult to execute if the truth is hurtful. Halloween celebrates all of existence beyond our five senses.

I propose to secretly spare the winter-cold feelings of our undesired suitors. Instead, send them running for the hills without a single tear shed. These tactics are sure to chill their flames of passion. Peaceful enjoyment of the absent sound of heartbreak and a silent phone is your reward.

Aries—Competitors desire to be atop any mountain, game, sport, contest, argument and relationship. The chase inspires their passionate desire for the unobtainable.

Scare Tactic: Tell them you despise competitive people. Then, make up random games impossible for them to win. Never play hard to get, always answer your phone, speaking slowly and interrupt. Don’t ask them questions about themselves and text long, boring stories.

Taurus—Down to “Earth Lovers” desire food, pleasure, luxury or sturdy vehicles. Need logic, routine, financial and emotional stability.

Scare Tactic: You plan to be a nomad in a starving country. You spend money fast, no savings. You don’t like food and burn macaroni. Talk fast, be pushy and demanding, rush them and try to change their minds.

Gemini—Information Gatherers are versatile and bubbly like a gumball machine, an array of flavors all in one, witty, intellectual and inquiring.

Scare Tactic: Act dumb and clueless. Be needy. Give half answers forcing them to keep asking. Tell them you don’t want to learn because it’s boring. Prove you’re boring by dressing like a hippo, fish or grapefruit.

Cancer—Tough Turtles are mama’s babies. They want to take care of you and charm your deep inner secrets, protective, super sweet and intuitive. Emotionally supportive, family-oriented and shy.

Scare Tactic: Your pet peeve is emotional crybabies and people who hug and cuddle. Don’t tell them about your problems, it will backfire. You don’t want kids or a family.

Leo—Royalty, detects worshipers from miles away, generous to a fault, magnetically attractive, romantic, naturally born to lead.

Scare Tactic: Avoid eye contact or they magnetically draw you in. The avoidance and ignorance tactic works, be surprised that they sent you flowers called several times and dressed to impress. You didn’t notice, sorry. But you will pay attention from now on, then don’t.

Virgo—Perfectionists are clean, angelic, organized, intellectuals, modest and shy, they analyze the details and notice everything, not easily tricked.

Scare Tactic: Be dirty, wear torn and stained clothes, be clumsy, spill things. Don’t lie or be sneaky, you will become their new lab test subject. They will investigate until they discover your psychological motivations. Be crude, belligerent and sensitive.

Libra—The Lovers enjoy beauty, art, entertainment, creativity, law and romance. They are visually oriented, charming, attractive, relationship experts.

Scare Tactic: Marriage is ridiculous and outdated, you plan to die alone. People irritate you, romance is boring and flowers waste money. Discontinue beautifying or grooming, especially your scent – go natural. An unkempt and careless exterior is not a piece of art.

Scorpio—The Investigators are attracted to mysteries, solving complex issues, finding buttons to push and the shock factor. Secretive, psychic, devoted, passionate and intense and layered like an onion.

Scare Tactic: You can’t scare a Scorpio. Don’t try. They will get you back. So, either allow yourself to be mesmerized in their gaze and give in, or expose your secret and move on.

Sagittarius—Soap-Box Enthusiasts need freedom and movement especially to express their ideas and concepts, philosophical, spiritual, and fun-loving, adventurers.

Scare Tactic: When they share their original facts, ideas or beliefs, don’t believe them until they prove it (which they can’t), ask who thought of it first. You think spur of the moment fun and philosophy are dumb. You prefer spending every second with your partner at home watching old movies.

Capricorn—Credible Ones are ambitious, successful, career and family oriented, Stoic, structured, prepared and aware of their public image.

Scare Tactic: Be messy, unorganized, and belligerent. Order spaghetti and send it back to the kitchen because it “looks like brains.”Ask for liver & onions, menudo or a hot dog. Elbows on the table, no napkin. Loudly, share inappropriate stories.

Aquarius—Black Sheep Humanitarians support civil rights groups. They take pride in heroic rebellion against majority. Eccentric, friendly, intellectual and enjoys talking about the future, looking ahead to their own time and place.

Scare Tactic: You believe that the majority vote is always policy. Authority should never be questioned. Your motto is, “survival of the fittest and every person for themselves.” One person cannot make a difference.

Pisces—Dreamers live in an optimistic paradise that most envy. Unconditional love for all creatures exists. Calm like a sea on surface, mysterious beneath, spiritual and a dash of sugar & spice.

Scare Tactic: Find out their future dreams and become the opposite. If they want the traditional family, you’re allergic to dogs, can’t have kids and plan to work overseas.

The Puyallup Post is the award-winning student news of Pierce College Puyallup in Puyallup, Washington. Copyright The Puyallup Post 2017. Twitter/Instagram @puyalluppost

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Stellar script: How to frighten undesired suitors

by Sarah Erickson time to read: 4 min
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