1. LET’S GET FIT
You buy a monthly gym membership but, like most people after New Year’s, you only go the first week or two and decide the gym isn’t for you. Instead, you make a personal goal to take the stairs instead of using the elevator at work.
2. LET’S TRAVEL THE WORLD
You’ve always wanted to travel out of the country. This is the year you’re actually going to do it. Who cares if you have to take some cash out of your savings?
Oh, but wait. Your other resolution was to save more this year. Now what?
3. SAVING THE BIG BUCKS
You make a plan to budget your finances, but you throw that resolution out the door after you’ve decided that you’re the type of person who dropped this week’s gas money for a gym membership, and, more importantly, you need cute workout clothes to keep up with your new gym friends.
4. GOSSIP, GOSSIP, GOSSIP
All small talk over the next few weeks is going to involve the question, “What are your New Year’s resolutions?” Obviously, you tell them all the possible clichés you can think of. Then you think to yourself, it can’t be too hard.
About a month goes by and you realize most things are easier said than done, and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t see it coming.
5. CHA, CHA, CHA, CHANGES
Somewhere on your New Year’s resolutions list you wrote “try something new.” You purposely kept it vague because you still don’t know if it’s going to be something crazy, like quit your job and become a hard core environmentalist, or try a slightly less exciting, but still new, do-it-yourself craft you saw on Pinterest.
6. ONE MORE SHOT
You decide to give Internet Explorer another shot because, hey, new year new you right? But it’s still just an internet browser to download OTHER internet browsers.
7. ENVIRONMENTALLY ANGRY
After watching that new documentary Capped, about plastic and its effects on the environment, you decide 2014 is the year to make environmentally friendly changes. Yes, that means contemplating getting that Toyota hybrid and start recycling like no American consumer has ever recycled before.
8. SWEET AND FRIENDLY
Friendly is your middle name this year. It’s also number two on your resolutions list. So like the decent person you are, you actually sit down and genuinely listen to your coworker’s unusual obsession with his cat named after Johnny Depp. But later that night, you go home and change your resolution to volunteer at a local animal shelter immediately.
9. TIME TO GET ORGANIZED
The year 2014 is a fresh start for you to get more organized. Time to head over to the school supplies section at Target and buy that 2014 daily planner. But you’ll come to find out that by the time 2015 rolls around, most pages are filled with tally marks on how many times you’re political science professor says “um” during a lecture and a few inartistic doodles.
This is the year you’re going to find your soul mate. You’re sick of not being one of those Instagram couples. So you try to make eye contact with that cutie at school, but he or she doesn’t seem to be getting your hey-lets-go-out-for-coffee stare, which to most people actually looks like I’m-so-hungry-I-could-die stare. Maybe you won’t find your Insta-lover quite yet.
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