Obviously this means we should jump off bridges like condescending lemmings and sit like dazed pop stars waiting for the paparazzi to snap our photos. Any one with the audacity to think that his or her acts of stupidity are justifiable by pronouncing a two syllable word has as much business residing on this planet as an infectious disease. I too, in all my dazzle, was once a part of this barbaric race of fascists.
Once upon a time, long ago in a land beyond the rolling hills of Tacoma. In a small town full of rich slobs, there lived a boy. This boy had grown up in the sheltered world of private schooling, never once believing that he would ever have to step into the dark realm of public schools; however, dark days fell upon his family and to preserve their daily ration of bread, they were forced to pull the boy from private schooling.
The boy entered the fifth grade and wearing a bright yellow polo shirt tucked into his baggy blue jeans that fell way over his tennis shoes. His hair was a distinct buzz cut that brought out his terrified hazel eyes. True, he was nervous, but he hoped for the best.
The poor fool. For the first three years of his life in middle school he was the victim of bullying. Whether it was telling girls the boy wanted to kiss them, kicking the basketballs at his head or simply punching him for being an idiot, the other guys made the boy a “friend” for as long as he would behave (which usually meant winning them the basketball games as he was relatively taller than the rest).
When the boy graduated from the seventh grade his family again found the need to journey across the land. Their journey took them to a poorer district in the province of Pierce known as Parkland. This boy was to be educated in a new school, a poorer school with dark streaks rising up the eerie green walls. The boy however, was ready. Since enduring the three years of torment he was determined to leave his mark behind in this newfound land. Armed with the power of conformity, new clothes and a magical word of power, YOLO; the boy set out to conquer this new territory.
The first thing the boy noticed about this new land is that the wenches residing in the town found him attractive; however, the gentlemen they were dating didn’t care for his company. The boy, summoning the word of power uttered “YOLO,” in the mirror. He felt invigorated and within a matter of months managed to get several of the young girls to abandon their boyfriends and spend their time with him.
As time continued to pass, one of the young women, a cigarette smoking, drug inducing, semi-seducing gal caught the boy’s eye; however, the boy was not allowed to date.
Could the word of power cure the tension bursting inside his chest, thought the boy as he summoned the word of power?
“YOLO!” he screamed, and the power flooded through him.
Two weeks later the boy and girl dated and parted their separate ways, the bonds of love shattered by the ill visions of youth.
Later that year, another girl approached the boy. She had short hair, a dazzling figure and offered him a bottle of Gatorade. The boy, having a mad obsession with Gatorade chugged the bottled and gagged, his throat burned and his eyes winced shut. The girl laughed, squealing on how it was actually cotton candy vodka with red food coloring.
The boy panicked, realizing how much he had drunk from the bottle. Fear crept into the pores of his skin as he realized he might be expelled. Then the word of power crept into his mind. Could it work in a situation like this?
Gathering his strength the boy lifted his voice to heaven and screamed “YOLO!”
The fear resided as he resolved to making the most out of the experience which included bragging to his shocked friends, falling down stairs and acting like a giddy schoolboy during volleyball.
As the year drew to a close the boy found his senses dulled with the hotter days and shorter nights. It was during this time that an evil, wicked, restless thought preyed on the consciousness of his mind, gnawing the recesses of his brain. The teacher wasn’t looking, the glue stick was in his hand and the girl sitting next to him would never know…until it was too late.
In a whisper the boy uttered “YOLO” and much to his friends’ amusement, smothered the girls chair in glue. Minutes later the girl sat down, thinking nothing of her situation. But lo, she had to use the bathroom and so did the chair, for they moved together in a swift, solid motion towards the door in unison.
The girl was infuriated and the boy was forced to admit to the deed. The teacher found it amusing (he was the teacher’s pet) and suffered no consequences for his actions.
Two years later, after stealing some more girls, causing more pranks and ruining the world, the boy grew up and he lives still, in a quiet little house in Orting’s hills. And the moral of the story is simple and true; if you wish to YOLO, do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.
The Puyallup Post is the award-winning student news of Pierce College Puyallup in Puyallup, Washington. Copyright The Puyallup Post 2017. Twitter/Instagram @puyalluppost
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